endless waiting got the best of me

this is the point in my life when there is complete uncertainity
uncertain of life
everythin seems to depend on something which in turn depends on something else
everythin is building the path - to me turning completely insane
i ve lost it
im tired.. of the endless waiting for somethin to happen, which is completely irrelevant to the psycho me
i feel like i ve been waiting for these silly things to happen my entire life.. im waitin and waitin.. day in and day out
i could really kill someone rite now
losing all sense of sanity, dignity and self esteem

everythin passes and hope this doesnt take me along - when it passes

~like siamese twins~

No two people can be together forever, UNLESS they are physically stuck to each other. Sometimes I wish I were stuck to the wonderful people in my life. It would be such a fun life if I were practically stuck to them! There would be no more 'good-byes', 'see you soon', 'i ll miss you' or ' i miss you'..

We hear that its not so bad if people who like each other are apart, as it increases their need and love for each other. The longingness to be with someone is good it seems!!! I dont agree with this at all; I love each and every moment spent with the precious people I care for and would not want to be separated from them. My love only increases day by day; whether I'm with them or not. So why should I be made to feel so desperate to be with them all the time? *sigh*

I want to be stuck to you guys =) Love you all. Miss you lots! Come.. Lets become siamese-ed!

Guitar or the Veena

music amuses me.
im awed by many styles of music.
i love songs with good lyrics, but im completely mesmerized by songs with great strings.
a friend recently gave me a few carnatic classical instrumentals.. and i must say, they are mind blowing. the way the musicians play their instruments is amazing, practically talking to the listener.
when im listening to led zeppelin, pink floyd or any song with great string action! i feel the same way.. they all are communicating in a world unknown.. and we get pulled into it once in a while when we get lucky.. by listening to their masterpieces.

Strings - in any form - is something that makes me get wound up in a song..

A few of my fav tracks with lots of strings..

- stairway to heaven ~ Led Zeppelin
- high hopes / comfortably numb ~ Pink Floyd
- free bird ~ Lynyrd Skynyrd
- marivere ~ Shanmugapriya
- but it rained ~ Parikrama
- ram rama ~ Dharbarikanada

Standing Still?

Suddenly everyone is passing me by..
sometimes i wonder if they r passing me by, or im standing still, beneath the darkened sky..
standing still, with the scenery flying by..
i slide my window open..
i feel like im goin to drown in this strange town..
i feel broken down..
i feel sweet sorrow..
do u need me like i need you..
do u want me like i want you..
or are u passing me by..
Probably its just me.. standing still...

~~ Thought sprung from the song by Jewel ~ Standing Still ~~

time

Its sad how things change over time.
Im not sure if the saying that 'Time is the best healer' is an exclusive thought. Sometimes it can be the very thing that can change everything wonderful.. to somethin ordinary or even extinct..
Moments can be lost over time.
Feelings change over time.
I hate time, because most of the time, i hate change.
Im in love with the moment..
In a way its alrite that time is flying.. because i cherish the past!
I usually dont think of the the future too much.

Hate the fact that time is ticking away to where it feels like.

i will survive too

We say we are the most evolved on the planet. Humans, are the species that are finally here after all extinction and evolutionary changes. Survival of the fittest. Everyone is aware that animals do things for survival - mating, hunting and sheltering the unborn and new born babies are part of their survival instincts.

Humans r so "advanced" that now for survival.. we work.. for the pay.. to get the things we need to survive - food, clothes, shelter, a mate. This leads to a lot of pressure on the mind, hence leisure is a solution to some.. for some, its their job.. it helps to have a job that you like.. serves as both pay and leisure. At the end of the thousands and thousands of years.. its still a vicious circle of survival of the fittest.. the animal instinct running through our veins... to simply survive.. Only thing is that now we are goin about our survival instincts in a "sophisticated" manner.

A note here, on my thought that we are all simply trying to survive, just like an animal (yeah man is a social ANIMAL i know). I do not think we have evolved to a state ahead, like we think we have. We r still in the cirlce.. goin around like before.. only difference probably being that its more complex now. All our actions are for survival really.. The six sigmas, books, music, inventions, furniture, love, IEEE, perfume, beer.. all part of the vicious circle of simple survival instinct.

Mummy

My mother or Mummy..... Mumma with love..

She is a magnificient lady. She can do anything. She is the best manager that i have ever seen. She s perfect. She makes the most finger-licking good food. She loves us. She has always been invincible to me! She s very smart and brilliant! She is God-fearing. She has the softest hands in the world! She's also the one who gets me worked up the most.. shes capable of bringing up the past at the most abrupt time. LOL. We used to fight a lot when i was an adolescent, but now i know why she used to do what she did... i was a rotten child! Well.. its been a long time now.. since i know this wonderful woman, who gave birth to me, the one who i resemble in appearance.

She needs help and im far away. She still works and i feel awful about it. I love her so much. She has been a heart patient for sometime now.. 10 years maybe. She has rhuematoid arthritis and today the doctor told her she has osteoporosis too. All these things combined! and she is still working.. even shifts...

No offence to women who are house wives.. but there s no way most women could do what my mother did all her life. She took care of me and my brother. Worked hard for us.. Now i want to take care of her... and im not in a position to do that. I know the effects of the diseases she has.. and it hurts me to know that she in such terrible pain.

I adore her! Wish i could help her soon..

happy

hehe.. read my previous post before u read this!
---------------------------------------------------------

today my lab mate came over to my cube, with some traditional sweets from her home town.. I did not want to look at that guy hovering behind her.. after what happened yesterday! Anyways, she gave me the sweets and i thanked her.. and said.. "oh this is frm your country? thats cool!" and she said.. "yea my husband.. (pointing at the guy behind her) brought them from home."

woww.... i was soooo happy.. I think she wud ve thot i was MAD to smile so much for the sweets. In one way.. its good for me.. she ll definitely give me more of those sweets :P .. But MORE than that.. im happy i made a mistake.. and that, the guy hoverin behind her wasnt the guy from my lab and was actually her husband, who s come down to singapore! [Man! Just wen i thot i could make out the difference btw how these foreigners looked! haha!]

After that... they walked out of the lab.. he had his hand arnd her waist :) again! They must be happy they have each other.. Im happy too.. there is still love and friendship.. :)
Happy for the world, for being this way..

sad

i dont know if its weird to cry for someone u dont kno..
but i ve done it many times.. i feel so bad for some strangers that i come across.. and some that i ve never actually seen.. but who i know exist..

hmm.. i feel really bad for my lab mate's husband.
she s married and i kno that he s in their home country and not here in singapore.
today evening i was coming towards my lab.. after attending to nature's call and i saw her leaving with this guy, who s also from my lab. which is fine i kno.. BUT he was holding her around her waist!.. i felt so choked!
the whole day i was denying the fact that he s been hanging arnd too close near her.. thinkin to myself.. naah i must be crazy for having a doubt.. "she s married!!"
hmm.. but wen i saw that he s got his arms arnd her waist.. i cudnt deny it anymore..
i felt so bad.. so bad.. that i cried as i entered the lab.. i cried for a while.. spoke to a frend.. who understands..
my lab mate and that guy left.. probably happy.. that they have each other..
but im sad.. im very sad.. no one can be trusted.. wat bout her husband.. the one she talks to everyday evening frm the lab!?
marriage.. love.. friendship.. everythin is such a big question now!
the same thing has happened couple of months bac.. with one of my frens here.. and i cried then too.. she wasnt too close.. but yea.. she was a frend.. i cudnt believe she wud do somethin similar to this.. hmm..

probably no one who reads this.. feels as much bout this issue.. since its part of life.. where people have to move on..
its better not to get attached to anyone too much.. like a frend was sayin.. mentioned in Fountain Head.. to be an idle person.. stop feeling so much.. and not be bothered bout anyone.. to achieve success..
i dont think i can be idle.. then..
i ll keep cryin for that unknown person..
yea. i d rather be this.
sad.
sad for my fren's husband.
sad for my fren.
sad for the whole world, for being this way.

the brain!

Have u ever felt that your brain is a marvellous thing!.. that there s probably no way someone could tell you..how you jus did that!!

I have these strange moments when I start humming a song... and i kind of wonder why the song came to my mind... and then realize that I was using the same thing at the time i was listening to the song the last time.. or probably was in the same place the last time i heard the song..

I hope you are able to understand what im tryin to explain here..

The brain is obviously a very powerful organ in our body. More powerful than we can imagine.

What i jus did a few minutes bac was.. i hummed a song casually while making tea.. Sister Hazel's "Hard to Say".. and then i immediately followed it up with Coolio's "I ll see u wen u get there".. I havent heard these songs in a loooong time and dont have them on my laptop either.. Both these songs are associated wit my school days; i used to listen to a lot of radio then.. and these songs were played many times on air during those days..

I put up this post because i was amused by the capacity of my brain to pick up songs associated with each other.. and make me hum them without my knowledge..

This has happened to me a number of times... where i wonder why i suddenly hummed that tune.. and realize that there s a relationship btw the song and the thing i was using or state of mind i was in.. So, there s a TIME dependent link.. between the song and the situation! The brain has links between songs and things, places, people.. etc. which is so amazing!

Wonder what else this human brain can do! Oh! and dreams r another thing that really stun me bout the non voluntary capacity of the human brain! :)